Read - "Mayor: Cut Thumbs Off Graffiti Punks" [cnn.com]

Wave Goodbye To Crime

Following the amputation theme we seem to have going today, Mayor Oscar Goodman of Las Vegas is taking heat for his recent proposal to cut off the thumbs of any teenagers who deface freeways with graffiti.

"In the old days in France, they had beheadings of people who commit heinous crimes...I'm saying maybe you should put them on TV and cut off a thumb. That might be the right thing to do."

Goodman, who in the past proudly told elementary school students that "he loved to drink" also advocated the return of whippings for children who misbehave.

Read - "Okla. High School Hoops Team Loses 112-2" [abc3340.com]

High Schoolers Pray For A School Shooting

Lose a leg, lose your thumbs, lose your dignity. The latter is what happened to the Hanna High School basketball team in Earlsboro, Oklahoma, who put up a valiant struggle against their opponent but still managed to lose 112-2.

"It was embarrassing to watch," said one of the coaches, "But you can't just tell your kids not to score. I've been coaching 27 years and have never been involved in something like this."

No word yet on whether the Hanna team members plan to have all their legs or thumbs for the next game.

Read - "Arkansas Man Kills Deer With Bare Hands In Bedroom" [mainichi-msn.co.jp]

The Things People Will Do For A Buck

Some standard father-type tasks: walking your daughter down the aisle, sitting on the roof of the house with a shotgun and scaring boys that come a courtin', taking out the trash, impregnating the wife, etc.

Less than typical father-type tasks: killing a deer that wandered into your daughter's bedroom with your bare hands, then chopping it up and putting it in the freezer.

Seriously, whatever happened to closing the door and calling animal control ? I mean, if you thought watching "Bambi" with your daughter was traumatic, what the hell do you think this is going to do to her ?

Read - "Mom Admits Killing Child To Rid Her Of Demon" [thebostonchannel.com]

Spare The Rod ? I Think Not...

Note to psychotic mothers out there...your child is not a demon, she's eight years old. If the fruit of your soiled loins isn't setting the yard on fire with her mind, then she'll probably stop doing whatever she's doing by the time she's nine.

The parents of Quimani Carey, age 8, brutally murdered their young daughter, thinking she was a demon. Later, the parents (and their two remaining children) were found walking naked down the street waiting for "the rapture" to claim them.

Read - "Inquest Told Of Student Catapult Death" [guardian.co.uk]

Wheeeeeeeeeeeeee !!!

"Catapult - An ancient weapon for throwing large stones and burning debris, with the intention of destruction."

Please note, nowhere in that definition does it mention hurling dumb (and presumably drunk) college students through the air and to their certain doom. Not only did Oxford University student Kostydin Yankov have himself launched and subsequently injured, but he paid £40 for this privilege.

It just goes to show you...there are two kinds of "Smart" -- "Book Smart" and "Idiotic Enough To Climb Into A Catapult For Recreational Purposes Smart"

Read - "Girl Gets Bag Of Feces In Trick-Or-Treat Bag" [azcentral.com]

"Dude...This Candy Tastes Like Shit !"

"Trick-or-treat" really isn't a question, it's more of a "give-me-candy-or-I'll egg-your house" sort of threat; seems to be one of those generally understood things. Thus the shock when a Strathmore, Atlanta girl received a steaming pile of "trick" instead of a candy flavored "treat"

Police are still trying to find the man who dropped a decorative bag of fecal matter into the little tyke's goodie bag. "It was probably just a prank, but when these kids go out and ask for treats, that's not what they're expecting." said a spokesman for the police, in what must be the fucking understatement of the century.

Read - "Chainsaw Trickster To Assault Charge" [bostonherald.com]

Why Johnny Still Pees His Pants At 28

What child doesn't love Halloween ? Dressing up, collecting candy, then running screaming through the inky blackness of night whist being chased by chainsaw wielding teenagers. This, my little lambs, is how life-long memories are made.

Although the teens didn't actually carve the lil' porkchops into tiny pieces (the chainsaws didn't have chains attached) police, parents, and neighbors were less than amused, and the teens were arrested.

Read - "Italian Teens Shot While Trick-Or-Treating" [seattlepi.com]

The Dark One Cometh For The Elderly

For the love of sweet God, when it's Halloween and the little children are romping from door to door, someone tell Grandpa that it's NOT the rapture, and that those AREN'T real ghosts and goblins standing in his doorway. Old people get confused, you know ?

In Italy, one 70-year-old man decided that Satan's minions weren't going to take him without a fight, and whipped out his gun and started plugging teenagers. Curiously, fear of a similar incident is exactly why I don't eat at "The Olive Garden" anymore.

Read - "Devilish Doo-Doo Prank Ignites Panic" [ottsun.canoe.ca]

"Trick..."

Despite the occasional razor blade in an apple, or the deeply Satanic overtones, Halloween is mostly "damn skippy" for those involved. Not so for Mel Ottenbreit and his family, who awoke in the middle of the night to find that a "flaming bag of fecal matter" had set his home on fire.

Police have arrested a 16-year-old boy "known to the family" (presumably "known" as "a dick")

Read - "Tricks Are Over For Hobo Bandits" [mlive.com] (registration required)

"...Or..."

Continuing our news roundup of the pagan youth, two teens dressed in Halloween costumes "like hobos" have been arrested after robbing several gas stations in Bay City, Michigan. The teens were wearing funny masks during the armed robberies; one had a cigar in his mouth.

Police are unsure if the two 16-year-olds will be tried as adults, or simply dropped off in a bad part of town with a half eaten can of beans.

Read - "Kids Find Dogs Chewing On Human Infant's Corpse" [thebostonchannel.com]

"...Treat ?"

Man, how do you link this next story to Halloween ? There is a skeleton involved, but it belonged to a newborn infant, and it was the part that the dog didn't finish eating. Also, the baby was stillborn, and the mother had dropped it off a few miles from her home.

Come to think about it, the entire story is more than a little disturbing. Forget we even mentioned it, you morbid bastards.

Read - "Apology Over Unicycle Doc" [thesun.co.uk]

"The Doctor Will See You Now..."
(Doot-Doot-Doodle-Oddle Oot Doot Do Do)

In England, the mother of a six-month-old boy is furious after being forced to wait at a hospital for two hours while the doctor ignored her child and "rode up and down a ward on a unicycle"

The hospital apologized, but stressed that the child received proper medical care, and claimed they were trying to make the ward "less intimidating" for children.

"Many parents have commented favorably on this approach and indeed about the unicycle." said a hospital representative.

Read - "Teen:Father Feared A Plot" [sacbee.com]

Guess They Aren't Going To Ozzfest This Year...

18-year-old Ryan Hamlin testified in a California court on Tuesday that his father had forced his mother and siblings to help him hunt down a woman, because "He believed he was the target of a murder plot involving a satanic cult."

The father, Richard Hamlin, is a former prosecutor for Sacramento County, and spent hours watching snuff films about devil worshipers, discovering "secret codes" in his children's textbooks, and beating his wife for her alleged role in making him a "Christian trophy" for the "evil cult"

Read - "Toy And Cookie Mistaken For Bomb Parts At San Diego Airport" [modbee.com]

Osama Bin Oreo

A terminal at the San Diego International Airport was closed for most of Tuesday morning, after luggage screeners "mistook a child's toy and a cookie for bomb-making materials."

"Those two items combined on-screen, they very much appeared to be an (explosive device), and it turned out not to be." said spokeswoman Jennifer Peppin.

Fortunately, as a safety precaution, the child has been confined to the Guantanamo Bay detention camp for an indeterminate period of time.

Read - "Hotel Tells Rape Victim: If You Don't Call Police We'll Give You A Free Holiday" [mirror.co.uk]

Motel 6 Looking Better All The Time

Authorities are investigating a Turkish hotel after a 17-year-old British girl was raped by a security guard, and then "offered a free holiday" by management if she promised not to call the police.

"A man spoke to us and said if we didn't go to the police we could have free meals and a free holiday next year. He said if the police thought she was lying they could put her in prison and also we wouldn't be allowed to leave Turkey" said the mother of the victim.

To recap, Turkey = great coffee, but not getting the whole "customer service" aspect quite yet.

Read - "Python Found Hiding Inside Family's Toilet" [modbee.com]

Come See What I Left In The Toilet

A family in Malaysia didn't quite know what to expect when their young daughter woke them up in the middle of the night and told them about "the big snake in the toilet" -- Hell, I've been known to enjoy a nice meal and then brag about "the big snake in the toilet" to anyone who'll listen.

But in this case, Mom and Dad peered round the corner, and indeed, there was a 8-foot yellow and black python staring back at them. Talk about making toilet training more difficult; a kid sees that, they'll be crapping their pants into their 20's.

If you've just had a moment you're proud of, don't confuse people with stories about "a big snake" Instead, why not use these clever euphemisms ?

Baking A Potato
Laying Down The Law
Bombing Hiroshima
Feeding A Puffin
Choking The Kielbasa
Doing Paperwork For The Government
Putting Fruit In The Bowl
Taking The Browns To The Super Bowl
Doing The Natalie
Introducing The Toilet To The Bald Man With The Cigar

Read - "Girl, 8, Credited With Year's 1st Bear Kill" [washingtonpost.com]

Tragedy In Hundred Acre Woods

What are little girls made of ? "Sugar And Spice And Everything Nice" -- and if you don't believe it, they'll load up and blow your goddamn ass away.

This is what we surmise after 8-year-old Sierra Stiles was credited with killing the first black bear of the Western Maryland hunting season. "I was really, really, really happy," said the little murderer, "They won't eat now. They won't eat a thing !"

For the love of God, don't let this girl go to Disneyland. The last thing we need is a dead teenager in a "Winnie The Pooh" costume, strapped to the hood of a F-150 pickup truck.

Read - "Teen May Lose Arm After Student Brings Copperhead To School" [wgal.com]

Did It Spit Venom At You ?

Two teens in Pennsylvania are in trouble after a 17-year-old boy showed something to a 14-year old girl that he shouldn't have. What was it, you ask ?

I'll give you a hint..."It's long and thin, it's covered with skin, and Lord only knows what holes it's been in !" Can you guess ? HA HA HA HA !!

No, actually, it was a copperhead snake. Oh, and that girl is in the hospital in very serious condition and she might lose an arm. Hope she feels better.

(Thought it was a cock, didn't you ?)

Read - "Six Stabbed At 1-Year-Old's Birthday Party" [abc3340.com]

Ah, The Early Memories Of Childhood

First off, why do people even have a birthday party for a 1-year-old ? Jesus, to that lil' drooling machine, it's just another day of strained carrots and peas.

But for you, the parent, it's a mandatory obligation to invest in clowns, cakes, brightly wrapped presents; you're inviting fully grown adults who don't want to be there, the booze starts flowing, angry words get shouted, and the whole thing breaks out into a Mexican knife fight that sends eight people to jail and two to the hospital.

And you wondered why the kid grew up to become a psychotic Marine. Thanks a bunch, Mom and Dad.