|
|
previous
page
Read
- "Teen Prank Lands Him A Lot Of Trouble" [wfmynews2.com]
|
Showing
Your Team Spirit |
At what point did stripping
down to your underwear and running through a football game
become "Sexual Activity ?" That's what Dylan Mangum,
17, is charged with after his North Carolina high school
was less than impressed with his...ahem..."shortcomings"
"It was stupid," said his mother, "But
it's too much to kick him out for the rest of the school
year."
A panel of three teachers recommended
that Dylan get more than the customary 10 day suspension,
because showing the old pork and beans is a serious goddamn
offense in Raleigh. The teenager and his family plan to
appeal.
|
Read
- "2-Year-Old's Arm Stuck In Meat Grinder" [newsnet5.com]
|
Should
Have Named Him "Chuck" |
In one of the most fucked-up
stories to ever grace our fine website, a 2-year-old boy
has been flown to an Ohio hospital after getting his arm
stuck in an electric meat grinder. Police are investigating
the incident, and why, in particular, the grinder was lying
on the floor plugged in.
Neither the mother nor other family members
are cooperating with the police. Even more disturbing,
this is the third time a child has been critically injured
at this house; in 2001, a 1-year old boy was hit by a car
directly outside the home, and died. One year after that,
a 4-year-old was hit by another car, and rushed to the
hospital.
Also, a register sex offended is living
with the family. But seriously, compared with all the other
goddamn carnage happening at that house, I think "Spitting
Hand Puppet Theater" is the least of those kids worries.
|
Read
- "10-Year-Old Girl Beats Up Pit Bull" [wfmy.com]
|
Ten
Year Old Chew Toy Saves Day |
Teghan Hert, age 10, suffered
only a few minor scratches after saving her Chihuahua puppy
from a fully grown pit bull. "She's my best friend...I
don't know what I would do without her !" said the clearly
insane pre-teen, who was able to hold off the large animal
until her mother and a neighbor joined in the canine "tug-o-war"
Owners of the pit bull claim that their
dog was "most likely trying to play with the Chihuahua" Since
it didn't kill anyone, they'll be getting the animal back
in ten days.
|
Read
- "'Terror Prank Angers Commuters" [couriermail.news.com.au]
|
It's
Australian For "Jihad" |
For those of you unfamiliar
with "Muck Up Day" (and, to be honest, we weren't)
it's a traditional right of passage where students in Australia
and the UK fuck with people on their last day of school.
In Melbourne, passengers at a train station
were terrified when four students celebrated their scholastic
freedom dressed up as Muslim terrorists (complete with
long white robes and black headgear) while carrying machine
guns.
"I turned around and saw the people,
with one holding what looked like a machine gun and I thought "Oh
my God !" said Sharon Dwyer, one of the stunned commuters.
|
Read
- "Church's Anti-Halloween Flyer Upsets Family" [theindychannel.com]
|
"Eternal
Damnation Or Treat !" |
Halloween sucks these days.
Kids can't go outside without a full military escort, candy
needs to be screened at emergency rooms, and in Ellettsville,
Indiana, decorating your home is all it takes to invite religious
fanatics to your front doorstep.
That's what happened to Dalene Gully and
her family; local churchgoers arrived to share the message
that "Halloween isn't harmless fun" only to find
the house empty. Just to be friendly, they left a bright
orange flyer that read "In Praise Of The Devil" with
neat little pictures of witches and ghosts and church folk.
This, understandably, freaked the Gully
family out.
Police have been alerted, security systems
have been installed, and Jesus weeps for us all.
|
Read
- "'Mexi-Cam' Gets Jumbotron Workers Reprimanded" [wfmynews2.com]
|
Whoooooooooo
!!! |
A company that produced graphics
for the North Carolina State "Jumbotron" has apologized
to university officials for using "extremely poor taste" during
a home football game last week.
During the event, several fans were featured
on the big screen with titles such as "Kissing Cam" and "Fan
Cam" appearing underneath, however, the university
was less than amused with a picture of a Hispanic individual
and the graphic "Mexi-Cam"
The company has apologized, however, no
employees have been fired.
|
Read
- "Student Arrested For Making Terrorist Threat" [sandmountainreporter.com]
|
Finally,
A Holiday For The Rest Of Us |
In Alabama, a 14-year-old
girl has been arrested "for making a terrorist threat" after
suggesting in a school assignment that Congress create a
new federal holiday called "Killer Day"
During this special occasion, all US citizens
would be allowed to kill two people without reprisal from
law enforcement officials. In particular, the Department
of Homeland Security took exception with her personal desire
to "Kill President Bush"
Although school officials didn't actually
think the girl was planning to murder the President, they
had just returned from a "Safe Schools Forum" and
agreed among themselves that they couldn't "let something
like this go by."
|
Read
- "Group Condemns Chicken Choking Toy" [abc3340.com]
|
[Insert
Cheap Masturbation Joke Here] |
Animal rights activists in
Australia are horrified by a new toy they find "grossly
irresponsible" -- a chicken that fights back while being
strangled.
According to the product description,
kids can "Grab him by the neck and he will squawk
and cluck like mad, flapping his wings and feet wildly
as if he is really being choked !"
And you thought that children weren't
learning wholesome family values. Shame on you.
|
Read
- "Diver Allegedly Makes Ill Child Leave Bus" [abc3340.go.com]
|
Survival
Of The Fittest, Damnit ! |
Usually when we run a story
about school bus drivers, they're drunk (it's just one of
those hurtful stereotypes that happen to be true) In this
instance, a driver in Salem, Oregon, was simply being a dick.
The unnamed adult has been accused of
forcing a 12-year-old boy off the bus, after the child
said he was "sick" and started throwing up. Turns
out, the boy was suffering from Type I diabetes, and was
in the early stages of diabetic shock. Fortunately he was
carrying a cell phone, and after his mother picked him
up, he was taken to the emergency room for treatment.
Needless to say, this resulted in a very "upset" mother
and an extremely "fired" bus driver.
|
Read
- "'Financial Decadence' Prompts School To Cancel
Prom" [foxnews.com]
|
"And
While We're At It, Christmas Is Off, Too !" |
Brother Kenneth M. Hoagland,
principle of Kellenberg Memorial High School, has canceled
this year's prom because the little bastards (aka - "students")
and their parents were spending too much money. Hoagland
cited "party houses" in the Hamptons rented for
$10,000 and luxury "booze cruises" chartered by
parents (hey, if it's good enough for the Minnesota Vikings...but
I digress)
In a lengthy letter to parents, Hoagland
states, "It is not primarily the sex/booze/drugs that
surround this event, as problematic as they might be; it
is rather the flaunting of affluence...[the school] is
willing to sponsor a prom, but not an orgy."
|
Read
- "Hotel Owner Welcomes Dogs, But Says Kids
Must Stay Elsewhere" [abclocal.go.com]
|
Just
Lock Him In The Car |
Dogs, yes.
Children, no.
The beautiful Hotel Courtesan in Linz, Austria, has recently instituted
a policy that allows dogs to stay on the property, however, children
under 12 should stay elsewhere.
While the decision is drawing criticism
from local officials (who termed the policy "excessive")
hotel manager Roland Ballner, is sticking by the policy,
saying that he'd grown tired of children "running
around the hotel and grounds screaming and marking walls
and new furniture with felt pens."
|
Read
- "Police: Man Uses Shock Collar On Child For
Eating Slowly" [thebostonchannel.com]
|
When
A "Time-Out" Just Isn't Good Enough... |
In Wisconsin, police have
arrested Gerald Majeres and charged him with felony child
abuse, after he was accused of using an electric shock
collar on his 8 year old stepdaughter.
The mother of the girl felt that her daughter
was eating breakfast too slowly, and threatened to wake
Majeres if the child didn't hurry up. The kid argued, and
the stepfather was awakened. Next thing you know, the child
was hooked up to "Lil' Sparky"
After "New Daddy" was tossed
in jail, mom listened carefully to her material instincts
and told police that "Her daughter was a liar" and "She
nor the girl's birth father wanted her anymore"
The girl is currently living in a foster
home.
|
Read
- "Teens Run Over During Game Of Chicken" [thebostonchannel.com]
|
Texas
Girls Love To Lie Down |
Two teenage girls in Hudson,
Texas, were run over by a sport utility vehicle while playing
the game "chicken" -- a game with rules "too
complex" for them to understand.
Apparently they missed the part of the
instructions where you jump up and get the fuck out of
the way before getting run over, and then run away giggling
with the rest of your girlfriends.
Both are currently recovering in a hospital,
but aren't looking too pretty.
|
Read
- "Mom Delivers 16th Child, Thinking Of More" [cnn.com]
|
Time
To Slap A Manhole Cover On That Thing |
We've previously ran stories
about Jim Bob Duggar and his wife Michelle, who just celebrated
the birth of their 16th child (and are excitedly looking
forward to having more)
I realize that "sex education" isn't
a big topic these days in Arkansas schools (on account
that it ain't part of that "Creationism" hee-haw
we've all been hearing about) but someone should tell these
two that if they keep having kids at this rate, the state
will legally be required to bury Michelle in a "Y" shaped
coffin.
|
more
news |
|
|
