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Read
- "Student Allegedly Urinates In Ice Machine" [abcnews.go.com]
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When You Gotta
Go, You Gotta Go |
Here's a story to enjoy with your
morning coffee...In Carlisle, Kentucky, a high school student has
been suspended for ten days after he urinated in an school ice
machine. Instead of paraphrasing the article any further (and making
crass jokes about lemon flavored snow cones) let's review some
entertaining quotes from the article.
"They said it was gross and morally
wrong but not a health risk"
"If any bacteria did make it through,
the ice's temperature would have killed it."
"...At least 31 people got ice before
the incident was reported."
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Read
- "88-Year Old Charged 7-Year Old's 74 MPH Joyride" [thebostonchannel.com]
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"Take
Your Granddaughter To Jail Day" |
In Kansas, police were less than
amused after pulling over a pickup truck going 74 MPH, and finding
a seven-year-old girl behind the wheel. Lest you think this was
irresponsible behavior, it should be noted that her elderly grandfather
was sitting in the passenger seat, presumably supervising and
offering words of encouragement.
And now you know why traffic in Florida moves
so slowly. Although, it's pretty adorable when the lil' darlings
flip you off on the highway.
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Read
- "Alleged "Dumb" Tattooed Bank Robber
Caught" [clickondetroit.com]
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Truth
In Advertising |
A 21-year-old bank robber in
Detroit was arrested on Friday after police were able to identify
him through an unique tattoo - the word "Dumb" imprinted
on his right arm. Andrew Jeffrey Webster was located at a nearby
suburban home, and booked on a robbery charge.
There's no word on the subject of Webster's
next tattoo, although given the amount of time he's likely
to spend in jail, we would suggest the word "Bottom"
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Read
- "Superintendent Arrested After Camera Found" [sfgate.com]
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"Speaky
Into The Air Freshener !!" |
A school superintendent in Waco,
Texas, has been arrested after employees discovered he'd placed
a hidden camera inside an air freshener in the women's bathroom.
The camera was discovered by a business office
clerk, who had wondered about the mysterious $299 charge on the
school's credit card, and then recalled that superintendent Danny
Doyen had remarked about the need for air fresheners in the bathroom;
the hidden camera was discovered three feet from the toilet.
Doyen, 46, told investigators "that he'd placed the camera
in the restroom to obtain nude photos of female employees."
He has since been placed on administrative leave,
pending the results of an investigation.
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Read
- "School Restroom Used As Tongue Piercing Parlor" [nbcsandiego.com]
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Girls
In California Have Balls In Their Mouths |
Several girls in a Sherman Oaks,
California, bathroom have been getting pierced, but not in the
overtly sexual manner that jaded adults have come to expect from
today's misbegotten youth.
Rather, an 11th grade girl has been using
the fantastically hygienic room to run a makeshift piercing
parlor. The business was discovered after the mother of one
14-year-old girl noticed her daughter "chewing on something" and
demanded that she spit out; it turned out to be a large metal
ball implanted in the girl's tongue.
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Read
- "Man Calls Mom After He Was Reported Dead" [abc3340.com]
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Long,
Long, Long, Long Distance Call |
Showcasing those legendary skills
that have long been the hallmark of the Police Department in
Oakland, California, a mother spent several hours sobbing hysterically
over the death of her son, only to have him call her on the phone
the next morning.
Police had found an identification card belonging
to Anthony Sheppard on a dead body (I guess "they all
look alike" to the Oakland Police) -- the next of kin
and the news media were informed. Sheppard later walked up
to a group of his friends who were "crying while reading
a newspaper account of his death."
"We're human and we feel sorry for what
happened." said one embarrassed detective.
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Read
- "Mom Makes Slacker Teen Hold Sign On The Street" [kutv.com]
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"Take Your
Daughter To The Sidewalk" Day |
In an effort to punish her insolent,
underachieving daughter, Tasha Henderson of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma,
made her stand outside on a busy street corner holding a sign that
read "I don't do my homework and I act up in school, so
my parents are preparing me for my future. Will work for food."
"This may not work. I'm not a professional," said
the mother, "But I felt I owed it to my child to at least
try." Police were summoned, but since no crime was committed,
the ritual humiliation was allowed to continue.
"I won't talk back," said the daughter,
when asked by reporters about the experience.
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Read
- "Babymoons Are Latest Trend For Couples" [wgal.com]
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Women
Just Like To Bitch |
It's the hippest new trend for
women "heavy with child" and their emasculated husbands
(cause, you know, women these days don't nearly get enough attention
while they're pregnant, because, after all, they've done such
a difficult job lying on their backs, spreading their legs and
thinking about the British Empire, and it's not like they won't
be waited on for the next nine goddamn months, stuffing fruit
pies into their rapidly expanding food holes, having their husbands
pushing them ocassionaly from side to side so they don't get
sores while they resist the urge to flee to another country and
start life over as "Senior Gringo")
Um, what ? Oh yeah, people are doing these
stupid "Babymoon" things now. Whatever.
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Read
- "Principal Ridicules Innocent Child, Parades Her
Around School" [thebostonchannel.com]
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That'll Teach
You To Be...Um...Honest... |
It's a time honored tradition that
children hate their teachers and are scared of their principals;
in Elizabeth, Pennsylvania, those feelings are well earned.
Parents of a 8-year-old girl are outraged after
Marlene Whitby, headmaster of the William Penn Elementary School,
paraded their daughter from classroom to classroom, publicly
denouncing the girl "a liar and a thief" after five
dollars was discovered missing.
Unfortunately, another student came forward
later and admitted that they were, in fact, the guilty party.
Whitby is further being criticized for only making a brief apology
in private, and not acknowledging her mistake publicly.
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Read
- "Zoo Leopard Mauls Boy Who Got Too Close" [couriermail.news.com]
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It's
Australian For "Lunch" |
It's a time honored tradition
that the concepts of Social Darwinism are best on display at
your local zoo; drunks, idiots, and the mentally disabled are
frequently found mauled to death after "posing for a picture
with the friendly white bear"
In Australia, a nine-year-old boy joined their
ranks after jumping a safety fence and standing next to a "one-eyed
Persian leopard" (seriously, like a leopard couldn't be
more angry, we have to screw with one that has one eye ?)
The child was not killed, only partially chewed,
and simply required stitches in his arm. His parents made it
clear that they didn't "want any harm to come to the animal" who
was only "reacting instinctively" (much as you or
I might if a juicy bacon cheeseburger suddenly walked into
the living room under its own volition)
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Read
- "1-Year Term Urged For Boy's Chopstick Death" [asahi.com]
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I'm
Sure It's Just A Stage He's Going Through... |
It's a time honored tradition
that I repeatedly remind myself: "Don't get sick in Tokyo"
Sensible advice, after a doctor there failed
to notice a wooden chopstick lodged in the brain of a 4-year-old
boy during a medical inspection, and then "sent the
unconscious boy home" afterwards.
The boy died the next day, and people started
asking the doctor if he had really spent that much time actually
checking out the lil' fella (short answer = maybe not so much)
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Read
- "Largo Man Accused Of Stuffing 5-Year-Old In Freezer" [local10.com]
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Helping Your
Child To "Chill Out" |
Nicholas Black, 23, has been arrested
in Largo, Florida, for allegedly disciplining his girlfriends 5-year-old
son by stuffing him into a closed freezer. "The kid could
be heard inside the freezer, obviously kicking and pushing to get
out," said a spokesman for the police. "That child must
have been scared to death."
An interesting side note; I totally remember
dressing up in my winter jacket (this was during the summer,
mind you) and sitting for long periods of time in the deep freezer
my parents had in the basement. I was playing "Arctic Explorer" --
and there I sat, my young buttocks firmly pressed up against
the frozen chickens, in the cold darkness, precious oxygen being
used up. Our freezer had a lock on it, and one can only assume
that I was a mere mechanical failure away from becoming one of
those cautionary tales Ralph Nader tells his children about.
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Read
- "School Drops Song About Picking Cotton" [cnn.com]
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Adorable
Lil' Racists |
Seriously, what has the world
come to ?
Schoolchildren in Berkley, Michigan, can no
longer sing those "feel good" cotton picking songs
previously popularized by the denizens of the old South. "We
used to sing that song when I was in school during the '50s" bemoaned
a spokeswoman for the Berkley School District, clearly disappointed
that kids wouldn't be performing "Pick A Bale Of Cotton" at
an upcoming festival.
For those of you too lazy to Google, note
that there are several popular variations to that dear old
ditty, one of which is: "That nigger from Shiloh, Can
pick a bale of cotton, That nigger from Shiloh, Can pick a
bale a day, Oh Lordy, pick a bale of cotton, Oh Lordy, pick
a bale a day..."
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Read
- "Teens Hit Garden Stores For Hallucinogenic Seeds" [thebalchannel.com]
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"Dude...Do
You See The Flowers ?" |
Teenagers who use drugs are pussies.
Seriously. I mean, sure, the ones doing heroin
are kind of hard core, but all you little bastards out there
stealing Grandma's glaucoma medicine and sparking up ? You're
just afraid to drink scotch and take your rightful place in
society...you make me sick.
Anyway, kids in Oklahoma City are now getting
high at the gardening section of Home Depot, buying all the "Heavenly
Blue Morning Glory" seeds they can get their hands on.
The seeds are not illegal to posses, and they provide a hallucinogenic
effect when ingested (of course, so does huffing paint thinner,
and that's probably cheaper, FYI...)
For the record, StupidChildren.com does not
encourage teenagers to misuse "Heavenly Blue Morning Glory" seeds,
particularly if they plan to throughly wash the seeds, grind
them, then brew them through a coffee maker into fresh spring
water, drinking approximately 50 seeds per person.
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Read
- "Bra-Wearing Sheep Sidelines Team" [thebostonchannel.com]
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"Are
You My Daddddddddy ?" |
In Easton, Massachusetts, members
of the Stonehill College Rugby Team are facing disciplinary measures
after someone spray-painted a black bra onto a local sheep, and
set it loose in one of the dorms.
Interestingly enough, this is not the first
sheep related incident to plague the institution; another member
of the rugby team was caught and punished during a similar incident
last year.
College officials say that the team will be
forbidden to play until the persons responsible for the unauthorized
sheep decorating turn themselves in.
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Read
- "Jailed Man Wins School Board Election" [abc3340.com]
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Talking
To A Woman With Two Black Eyes... |
If you're paying enough attention,
you can clearly see that people don't give a damn about who teaches
their children, as long as the lil' bastards are out of the house
ten hours a day.
To prove this point, look to Riverside, California,
where one of the winners of the last school board election
is currently serving time in prison. "This is
wild, he'll be glad," said his wife, sounding oddly gleeful,
considering the fact that her husband was in jail on charges
of spousal abuse.
Keep all this in mind the next time teenagers
are stealing the stereo from your car, okay ?
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Read
- "Murder Hearing Told Of Decapitation" [thecouriermail.com]
|
Like
A Rolling Stone |
James Patrick Roughan, of Brisbane,
Australia, is facing charges which allege that he not only killed
a 17-year-old teenager, but was then rolling his head around
like a bowling ball after decapitating the youth. His accomplice
also claims that Roughan kept the teenagers head in his lap while
driving around town, which is more than a little disturbing.
The two face murder charges, as well as an additional
charge of "misconduct with a corpse"
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Read
- "Kindergarten Teacher Charged With Being On Meth
In Class" [nbcsandiego.com]
|
Show
And "Roll" |
A kindergarten teacher in California
has been arrested after police found her teaching the little
kiddies while under the influence of methamphetimes. Lynne Filippini
was first noticed by the school police officer, who noted that
she seemed not to notice her nose was bleeding. Other teachers
remarked that her behavior was "weird"
Students later became suspicious when Filippini
casually mentioned that "pacifiers were totally cool" and
then proclaimed that "the rest of the day is dedicated
to nap time" before eating all the graham crackers and
passing out.
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Read
- "N.H. Clerk Found Sweeping With Marijuana" [abc3340.com]
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Yet
Tragic Encounter At 7-Eleven |
Truth be told, this kid was screwed
from the start. First off, he was stoned to the gills, because
he was found next to a quarter pound of marijuana. Secondly,
he was working in the back of a 7-Eleven, so you know he was
eating all kinds of junk food and drinking soda, while smoking
the aforementioned large bag of marijuana. And finally, can you
think of a place less likely to find police officers then at
a freaking convenience store ? Thank you, come again !!
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Read
- "Teen Girls Pummel Teacher; Classmates Join In Melee" [kify.com]
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We've
Got Breaking News About The Election... |
"Well, I think that's very
interesting, and I think it's very interesting that Schwarzenegger
scheduled that trip to China. Is he going to put more propositions
on the ballot ? Is he going to communicate with the legislature
? I think he's moving back towards the center in preparation for
the general election. He's got to put the ball back in the center,
and he's going to negotiate. He's got to do it, and they've got
to try. It's image, and nothing else. Why aren't you wearing pants,
Jim ?"
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Read
- "Teen: I Was Arrested For Trying To Save My Mom" [abclocal.go.com]
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What's
In Store For Us With The Weather ? |
"Mary, we're going to go
right to a Flash Flood Watch...National Weather Service is telling
us it's one of those weird lows, with showers in LA County, and
there are amounts of little or no significance. Highs tomorrow,
mid to low 70's, here's your five day forecast. That's all I've
got to say...look at my magic spitting puppet !!"
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Read
- "Two Drunken Moose Invade Home For Elderly" [newsobserver.com]
|
And
Now Jeffery With The Sports ! |
"In Atlanta, technical problems
on the court forced the announcer to count down the shot clock
! Off the break, the lay up, the foul, Kobe with the flying dunk
! Terrell Owens is being eating by the media, while Drew Rosenhaus
begs for his job back ! I didn't experience that because I had
the cravings ! Why are ants eating my eyeballs ?"
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Read
- "Mother Cuts Off Toddler's Leg With Ax" [sciencedaily.com]
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Being
Psychotic Means Never Having To Say "I'm Sorry" |
"Hey Mom ? Yeah, it's
me, your 17-month-old son. Look, I understand all that crying
I do can get on your nerves and everything, but you need to get
something through that pile of dog feces you call a brain, okay
? First off, I'm a fucking baby...the speech centers of my brain
haven't developed yet. As much as I'd like to sit down and have
a long, complex discussion with you regarding the state of my
immediate needs, that simply isn't going to happen until I get
a couple more years of growth under my belt (to say nothing of
a decent education) Secondly, I'm teething. My teeth are ripping
though my tender gums, and it hurts like a bitch. Picture having
a root canal, but do that to your entire mouth and in reverse,
okay ? So when I go crying for several hours, how about being
a good sport and not chopping off my fucking leg with an axe,
okay ? That clear enough for you, honey ? I only mention it because
I've still got one leg left, and something that I'm hoping will
develop in leg-like fashion come thirteen years. FYI - you're
a goddamn whore."
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